I have always suffered from depression. I can remember being so very, very depressed as a teenager, one time and then just up and down from then on. In my late teens and early 20′s, though, I don’t remember being depressed much. I was young, thin, having fun and on my own. But, depression really started to kick my arse after I had my first son. Life sucked and depression set in. I sought counseling and started taking Prozac. I liked that medication very much and through the years I would be on and off it. Then we all know how bad life got when my Mom got sick and died and then caring for Nana and her death. I had the worse episode of depression EVER. I wasn’t responding to my Prozac! So, the Dr. put me on Lexapro and that worked fast! But, over time.. I don’t think it was enough and lately I haven’t been able to take it regular and I am depressed AGAIN. ( life long diagnosis ) So, today we are trying Cymbalta. It works on the depression and the pain that goes with it. There are no long term use studies, so I don’t know how long I can take it, but perhaps I can get to a good place and go back to my Prozac again.
I am telling you all this, because I don’t want to hide it. If my talking about this and the medications help someone, then that is a good thing. 11 years ago, the therapist had suggested that I was clinically depressed… suggested perhaps even mildly Bi-polar. Mentioned it was probably heredity, because my own Mom had issues. Then, I saw another counselor after Mom died and she also felt the same way.. mild Bi-polar and heredity. GREAT, but not suprising. I didn’t like the diagnosis. Bi-polar makes one thing of a person who has gone off the deep end, but in reality.. there are varying depress of Bi-polar.. Manic-Depressive. Whatever you want to call it. Clinical Depression is life long battle. It sucks. Oh, well.. such is life anyway.
I have finally come to terms with my diagnosis and the fact that I will always take a “happy” pill. I am okay with it, finally. Life is to short to fight it. I lose more life wallowing in depression. It robs me of my memories and my children. Yes, it robs me of my memories. I have broken memory of life, because depression blanketed so much of it.. it blocks life from becoming a memory. Does that make sense to you?
Anyway, I am looking forward to trying this new medication out. Eventually, I will head back to therapy to deal with my grief and guilt and regret, but not right now. No time for that. Once my mood elevates again, and the spirit for moving and living returns again.. I will be starting a new diet plan, approved by my Dr. and getting excersise in as well. Excersise is essential to feeling good. The physical activity releases endorphines. Endorphines make you feel good in mood and such. I am also seriously overweight and it is weighing me down. LOL pun intended. The extra weight is also robbing me of my energy and I certainly don’t feel good about my self at all. Over the years I have tried to lose weight, but I sabatage myself. I blame that on depression, a bit.
Anyway, through this recent episode, I realize that life is just to short and I have been very keenly aware that this is IT. All that I have. All that we all have. Just this one time. It saddens me deeply. I feel the urgent need to pay attention to NOW. Life is cruel and tomorrow I could have a friend die, or my child, or my husband. Or me, for that matter. It makes it blatently clear that NOW is all we have.. So why are we dancing with ugly people? So, why are we allowing depression to rob the joy out of life. Why do we even let LIFE rob the joy out living. I am a very busy person and sometimes the busy gets overwhelming and I feel like there is no fun in it. Living the rat race of life is robbing the joy of just living and enjoying the moments that become memories. I want to slow down. I want to be happy again. I want some energy. I don’t want to be so sad anymore. I want to make a change in me. Life is just to short to put up with crap like this.
